suicidal

i am up to my ears.
i am drowning.
i am busy with homeworks.
i am busy with tests.
i am busy with projects.
i am busy with course works.
i am busy with performances.
i am busy with competitions.
i am busy with errands
let me breathe.
let me go.
let me cry out and scream my heart out.
i can't see the light.
i can't sleep.
i can't concentrate.
my muscles are aching.

I AM LOVING MY LIFE!

counseling

i am happy. so happy. so so so happy. why! why is my life so happy. thank you! thank God for giving me such people in my life. these people who i call friends. these people are insane. that is because only insane people can make an insane person laugh. only insane people can listen to an insane person blabber. only insane people can give an insane person a shoulder to lean on. only insane people can bear the crappy demeanour of an insane person. regardless of race, language or religion (my deepest condolences to the late s rajaratnam). without these insane people, my world will go insane. oh i love you guys! *mwah! i have had my storm just yesterday during drama club. and this insane people had supported me through out! telling me to relax and chill. i broke down a little but i regained strength from these insane people. you see, insane people always exudes these extra energy always (running around butt naked, banging their heads on the wall, licking the toes, jumping from the sixth level and not dying because of too much energy as i say). restless as you may call it. but you must learn to manipulate these energy. THANK YOU! I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH DRAMA CLUB! INSANE PEOPLE RULE! this is one happy day indeed! - storm please do not come knocking on my door.

drama

I HATE YOU!
YES! SHE IS BETTER THAN ANY OF YOU!
YOU COUPLE ARE A BUNCH OF INCOMPETENT MONKEYS JUGGLING WITH FIRE.!
BETTER GO AND COMMIT SUICIDE!
YOU ARE PULLING EVERYONE DOWN.
LAME CHEESY CORNY EWW YUCK UGH!
EXTRA
ACT
SHOW OFF
FLAMBOYANT

oh men! i just should stop my mouth from judging others! i know! it is bad. and rude. i am insensitive to others. i am becoming like that idiotic big fat negroid imbecile. what should i do! there is to much violence and rage inside me. how can i quite these emotions of hatred down? i am too cynical and critical. but i just can't keep my thoughts to myself. if i do (i have always tried to be a better person) it will accumulate and it will (BOOM!) detonate and will produce large scale destruction which i am unable to curb. EUNICE! stop criticising! i do not want to lose friendships and my own reputation. but it is out of my master.

HELP!!!

study study study

i cannot believe that i am already at sec 4. it seems like it was yesterday that i came strolling in the school at the second day of orientation. naive of the occurences around me. insecure and uncomfortable on the inside, but trying to put up a good front.

looking back, i see that road where i trudged on seemed miles away yet i felt like i have been walking for just a few minutes. all the hardships, the obstacles, the adversaries, all the achievements, the successes, the goals that once were so trenchant now seem so inaudible, bedimmed and vague. once in a while i can't help but complain. the replies or so called encouragement i get are in general "oh it's not so bad! wait till you get to JC, wait till you get to U, wait till you are working, wait till you have your own kids, wait till Alzheimer comes along and starts eating you, wait till your in the local old folks home, hospital or asylum and die" continue on comparing your time with mine, but to me, nothing can beat the sweat of the present time, not even the past nor the future.

time then was so slow, but time is treacherous. you look at it up close it seems so insignificant. take a step back and get the whole picture into view, you will see that time is everything. it camouflages, it pretends, and when it goes for the kill, you will be petrified and shocked.

examinations that were dreaded came and went. projects were assigned, procrastinated upon and submitted incomplete. rules were implemented and broken. legions of friends and foes were created. teachers who triggered ambivalence in their leave had left without hesitation. quarrels and squabbles initiated, grew, and were solved. hatred were sowed, nurtured and weeded. infatuations bloomed and withered. it all happened in four years. in a blink of an eye, it is done.

we can reach both the zenith and nadir of an epoch within such limited time. however, we are not yet at the finish line. the banner marked "Ordinary Level Examination" is rising from the horizon. first a dot, then a distinct red icon growing larger as every day goes by. the main purpose of the secondary life. the last stride.

i see the crowd (teachers pressurizing at the most solemn stage) cheering and jumping, encouraging me to persist. though in reality they are screaming their heads off. i could not hear anyone of them. the world has gone into silent mode. i can comprehend their muted, lip synched words of wisdom, but none goes through my head. they are reflected by a virtual shield around my head called stubbornness a.k.a. complacency a.k.a. procrastination.

still, i know time is not at my side. i know the seriousness of the situation. i know the consequences at every turn i take. but i just cannot get my self to stay focus. there is a big difference between 'must' and 'can'. yes, i am scared and i am taking a leak on my pants. but i will get through this. i know i can. if i can set it all right. i will prevail. by hook or by crook i will.

i see the gold medal. on it three characters are engraved; 7A1

after that, then what?
somebody fill me in

happy valentines day! another wonderful day [storm is coming]! recieved alot of presents. from yongwen, yaojun, jacintha, albert, meisheng and mr prakash. peishan also gave me some chocoloates too. love is so in the air. alot of exchange gifts and all! i gave mr a my farewell gift too. a monkey key chain. ahlong n me also gave ms y the cookie and a paper. [great to give people papers on valenitines day, cheap yet meaningful] ms y did figure out where we bought the cookie. [check prevoius post!] but it's ok. she appreciate it... i think... haha so cute. ibro, jermaine and cheryl concurred that she is cute.

went out with jermaine ibro and cheryl to kfc. after that, reluctantly went to french class. the teacher did not believe that the essay was made by me because it was too flawless! suck my ass! argh! ok yah... i cheated... i used a translator.

yah. that's all.

world peace

i not stupid too

the day before valentines day. what a wonderful day. seriously, i've been having wonderful days lately. so this is a sign that a storm is coming sooner or later.

firstly, art lesson was so so intense. mr a is leaving tomorrow. he talked to us with much passion and determination. he talked about art. to aim high for our dreams. do not worry about those people who say that art has no future. and he talked about other stuff to motivate us. motivate means to scare us to death to do our work and at the same time inspiring us. i needed it. im procastinating so much now a days. or maybe i just suck at time management.

the day went on with much boredom.

history test. aahhwww... men that sucked. i mean i got 13/25. better tha most of them. but obviously it sucked and i flung it. damn the test! because of it i was late for the movie! mr s is so unreasonable. he asked us to wait for so long and when half of the class had already left he just carried on with the test. i mean it is his fault that it got postponed for so long. he takes our time and wastes it. ok, i better not bitch much about him. not that i hate him. i still look up on him. yet, he always makes us wait. who cares. we also make him wait right. sheesh whatever! so lame!

yah moving on to the most interesting part of the day. movie. well initially i was enraged that three of the people who were suppose to come backed up. i lost my cool during reccess and shouted at two [not so] innocent boys i mean gentlemen. really wanted to watch this movie because a lot of people were saying that it's a nice show and i have not watched a decent movie for a while. anyways, i was suppose to meet yuan long and ms y at lot 1 to watch the 4.30pm show. but i was five minutes late. so we moved it to 5pm. delvin rushed down and watched with us. ibro was suppose to watch with us to but he was too late.

yes. the movie. i am obviously not going to narrate the whole story here. that's because 1. duh! and 2. i do not want to spoil the experience of other people. anyways, the movie was DAMN FUNNY! even before movie starts we were laughing like mad already. ms y was having that cute demented laughter attack. it think it was because of the pink panther comercial insisting watchers to switch off their phone. and also there's this so damn funny part where this person named... oh...yah... i am not in the position to narrate...anyways. yah! in addition the movie was also DAMN TOUCHING! it seriously pulled my heart strings. i mean i was holding my tears for the half of the show. i was having the REM [rapid eye movement]. i was blinking 1000 times per minute so as to hold back. yet, to no avial, i broke down during these scene when this guy... ok i won't tell... anyways, my tears were seriously FLOWING non-stop. other's were crying too. but i was like sniveling like hell. you know that kind of thing when you viciously attempt to make your mucus retreat to the inner part of your nose when it has reached the dangerous position beyond your nostrils and you start drooling. i know it was seriously disturbing other people's audible range of hearing but who cares [as you can see i am starting to be a careless person "who cares wo cares"]. back to the topic. it was toucing like i said. i think that's because i can relate to how it feels having come from this kind of family. nobody knows and nobody cares. so i think that was why i was crying the loudest. ayways. the movie was an intresting combination of scenes; one moment you're like rolling on the floor laughing and then *snap you start to cry then *snap your on the floor again. yes i find that interesting. you do not know whether to cry or laugh.

on the other hand. i think that it was exagerating. according to ms y too. it's like the typical lameness of singaporeans. especially there's this part when they were walking down the... ok i won't say, you have to watch it yourself... over all it was a DAMN GOOD movie. so i strongly recommend.

after the movie, we went somewhere around bukit timah cold storage. i was so stuffed. i didn't want to eat so i just bought some lime juice and watched them eat as we chatted. ms y bought some roses at cold storage for her colleagues. meanwhile, yuanlong and i had this plan to buy her this cute cookie. so when she was buying the roses, we were smuggling cookies in our bags secretly. with delvin as our decoy, it almost worked. i think it was too obvious though. after that went home. end of day. period. no more no less.

so there you go. not detailed but summarized for optimum reading pleasure where you don't get to read me blabber on until the page reaches the floor.

world peace

HELL

i have been studying all day. no t.v. for poor eunice. my schedule will go on like this until 'o' levels. i am determined. but by God's grace i will get multiple distinctions. but this sucks. i am not a studious individual. i hate studying. but i am determined. did not go for dance works as i do not want to be a stupid mascot in a sandwhich board walking around like the guy from monsters ink. yup. why is there so few people in msn btw? what's happening

i have been thinking, there is this cliche "one way ticket to hell" and oh how i wish it is the same for heaven. sadly, life is a bitch and it is pleased in making things arduous for us.

you see, the hardest thing to do in this world is to do good. i mean not that once in a life time samaritan acts you do but as a whole being a saint for world peace. it's hard to keep our records clean. temptation always lurks by and trips us over. besides, it's way easier to do bad things. don't fool around with me i know that you yourself stole something from that provision shop or lied to your parents once in a while right?

the catch in doing sinful acts is that you execute it without think and voila! it is done. after that, guilt will start stalking you like a dog's tail. i mean that's how it goes for me. i beat up my sister, she cries, and i feel bad. but the cool thing is, good deeds are the vice-versa [obviously]. it is so hard to do, with your pride hindering you, to set aside differences and help that nerd who has just been bullied or help that psychotic girl who was assigned to carry a stock of books taller than her because her class "sabo-ed" her. BUT. the reward in any goodness you peform is overwhelming. overflowing. yes, i agree that it feels better when you do it infront of people but it is more meaningful when you do when no one is watching, because someone out there is smiling from ear to ear at that moment.

there are also sometimes that you are in desperate need and have no way out. those times when the examination is tomorrow and still you have not studied or when that some one is in the hospital and you'll go like "oh God please! give me another chance and i will dedicate my life in doing you will" then he grants you the wish. after that, before you know it, you started skipping your quite time or started dating this non-christian guy. no, i am not condemning anybody because this happened to me before and it will happen again. mistakes and sins are vicious cycles of life.

we are sinful. it is in our nature. even the most obedient man like peter, denied or like judas, betrayed, or like moses, refused to speak or like abraham who questioned or like job who cursed. now you know why gravity plummets downwards to hell and not upwars to heaven. why the ocean is deeper than the highest mountain. why quadrillions of stars and one moon need to shine every night to fight the darkness.

but despite our sinfulness, despite every wound that was inflicted, despite every drop of blood wasted, despite every slash of the whip. He knew and He still kept silent in front of mr pilate. despite every lie every curse and every spit. he endured and tried to stand up. despite every stab, every gunshot and every bomb droped. He still died and rose again.

despite everything, He still loved

MAHAL KA PARIN NYA.

french essay

i have just finished my first french essay ever. i think there is a lot of gramatical errors as i myself do not what the hell i am talking about. i wrote about divorce. if it was in english i would have scored As [shees]. i am starting to enjoy french. i think it's just that sense of accomplishment. i also had rewritten my maths ws 10 and finished ws 14. i am quite having and infatuation over maths too. this is all to weird. i used to hate both of them.

time now is 0130h. i have been on the computer since 1700h. that's the longest ever. let me see. i talked to naqia, angelo, suhaimi, rouning, johnston, zhenying, yao jie, renee, yu jia and ms y. not that much people to talk to considering the time. i've done my essay during this 8h duration i am in the computer so talked less. it's like the time i needed to sleep. no wonder i feel so awake. i took a long time cause i used a two online translators a computer dictionary and a manual dictionary at hand. i had to cross reference because i just do not trust the internet. it is the lousiest machine in the world.

anyways, talked to yao jie while both of us were watching final destination. it's a super corny movie. but its kinda scary and bloody. yet, like what yao jie said, the graphics was ok. renee gave a lecture about wisdom tooth.tried to have a decent conversation with ms y but that proved to be impossible.

my back is aching, my ass hurts and i can feel a shift in temperature (i am alone. jumping at every sound i hear and staring curiously at the shadows. heart racing very fast) so i am turning in for bed. a pleasant night to everyone.

peace out

dearest 4a

sorry for my selfish act today. i will not disclose the reasons and what sinful acts i have commited. i know that it is of no use that i apologise without knowing the cause, but i would rather tell you directly than say it here. well you can ask politely if ever you see trudging along at school right. this contrition goes only to my class alone because it is the only class the i hate, love and care for [?]. i have sinned againts others who are of my level and to the sec 5s but i have no forethoughts of them.

till the next time we see each other in the next world. best regards

goodbye cruel world

eunice

there you go. an advanced suicide letter. cool huh. i wonder if suicide letters could be written in blogs. then you hang yourself with the computer open. will it compromise authencity. i guess so. CSIs always analyze authencity in the most critical stage so i guess it would not work. i mean somebody could have killed me and just written the note. maybe forced entry, bruises and absence suicidal marks would testify to that. oh men i am thinking too much.

no, i am not suicidal. i am the most jovial girl in the world. the aunty vendor in out school store will concur to that. we are always shreaking in chorus when i notice that my favorite food is on the menu. she even knows when i don't come down and eat for reccess as i am one of her most "cheerful" costumers [as stated by the aunty herself]. even though i see sad people like jessica and ms y (not really) scowl all day long i won't be affected. even though there are these tearing amd intense conversations between raizal and melissa i would still happily munch down on my bun and comment happily beaming at everyone like one demented arse. people of my kind, joyce [fmss] and mrs. s are always happy and contented in life. even though sometimes it's a different story in the inside.

happy french

YYYYYAAAAAHHHHOOOOO!!!!! WWWEEEEPPPPPYYYYYY!!!!! WEEEHHHHHHAAAAAHHHHH!!!! HHHOOOOOHHHHHAAAAA!!!! YYYEEEEAAAAHHHHEEEYYYY!!! YYYYEEEHHHAAAAAA!!!!! WWWWWOOOOOOO!!! WWOOOOAAAAHHHHHOOOOWWW!!!

Okay people! I am fine. Yes and I am not crazy. I do not have any plans to visit the asylum sooner or later. I am just happy! I mean I am just dementedly euphoric. You know me and what I do when I am happy right? I get little bit over the edge. Well, maybe that’s an understatement but it is vindicated. That is my only rationale for acting psychotic today.

I can imagine that disoriented face of yours staring in confusion at the screen. Since that is the case, I shall narrate to you the account of this phenomenon. Bear with me please! This is going to be miles from here.

Before the start of the year, my French teacher, Monsieur Gilbert, had called me and asked which class I prefer to be posted to next year. I told him that I am only free on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1630. I was flabbergasted when I learnt that I am now attending the Wednesday and Friday classes at 1430 (school has just ended at this time)! Furthermore, the incompetent administrator told me to go to the wrong class! I was so embarrassed walking into the class and disturbing their progress.

I went for the next class I had. I was sent to the HOD for being absent and not bringing an excuse letter! I mean it was not my fault! The HOD, Madamoiselle Au, also scolded me for my "dismal behaviour and attendance". The exact words. I remembered it because of her crisp, hair-rising, curt and outstanding articulation! My God! She speaks both French and English flawlessly! Unbelievable! I was dumbstruck and rooted on the ground! No wonder she is not married at this age of 4o +! Who could stand that kind of mouth! Instead of throwing my tantrums and stumping away, I was stupefied.

I submitted a class transfer form so that I can relieve my jumbled time table. But still, the teacher assigned me for a Wednesday class which is CCA day (my favorite day, don't ask why). OK, getting warmer here. I called the MOE Language Centre but there was no answer. When at last somebody had picked up, he asked me to call the French department. When I called the French department, they said the class transfer person in charge has left (as you can imagine, I experienced a violent convulsion after slamming the phone, I mean clicking disconnect button).

The email was my last resort and I gave it a shot. I sent the most formal letter I have ever written (to a real person, not those excruciating exercises given by Mrs. Ang, my most beloved English teacher). And yes! They replied! I have left early today from school dreading to go for French when I saw the reply sent by the lovely (I have never seen her yet, but since she fulfilled my inner most desires, I am going to call her lovely) Madamoiselle Teo. She wrote this :

Eunice Paola Ramos Lacoste F4D,
Your new class is F4I, Tue-Thu, 4h30-6h30, Lab2/303.
Please print this message and give it to your new class teacher.

Yes!!! I am so happy. F4I is the class that Brian, Marry Ann and Erica is attending! I can be with my precious friends! I do not have to look imbecilic and stare at the teacher when she asks uncomprehensible questions all alone! I have Brian to do that with me! In addition, with Marry Ann and Erica's super-translator brains, I will not have any problem with my class tests! At ease soldier!

So there you go. A lovely fairytale story where all your dreams can come true! I was so happy that I ran all around the house, did some back rolls (since I cannot do cartwheels like those soccer players when the score goals) shouted into the pillow so my sleeping mother would only hear my muffled scream, danced around my sister's room and slipped on the floor, jumped up and down in spite of my throbbing ass and crashed and slumped into the computer chair gasping for breath, fagged out. Now that’s what you call celebration.

jermaine's barbeque

oh the beauty of life. bittersweet. always mixed with exhilaration and weariness. happiness and problems always hanging in the air. alternate uplifts and downfalls. from zenith to nadir and back and beyond.
yesterday i went out with jermaine, yuanlong, cheryl, adeline, and salome to bp plaza (the usual and only convinient hangout. with its cheapness and accesibility). ate at kfc, what we tought to be a tranquil place betrayed us and turned out to be quite disasterous when the lion dance demented the whole place. the most appaling performance i have seen so far. i was so revolted that i choked on my "fish ole" a couple of times, and i splashed tar tar sauce on my pearly white (yeah right) uniform! after all that, we of what accompanied adeline to buy her philosophy orange bag. then just looked around thinking of what present to buy.

i went back to school with nick to do something for ms c. i was tired but it was okay. we had a good time trying to figure how to operate the stupid weather measuring box (that's not the real name, i just do not know what it is called). i also gave ms y back the magazine. i say, it was a truly inspiring testimonial. it was touching and it was really sad. just that she reminded me of sir Job. it's painful just reading it. then i 'interviewed(?)" her. how's the visa coming along, which part of australia is she going, what school and all that. went home with ms c after that.

today had barbeque at jermaines house. we literally starved in her computer room as we played bridge. that's because the barbeque party was actually for her sisters class. that's weird huh. well we had fun inspite of the rumblings inside our emplty domes. we played fire crackers at the park and it popped on my hand! i had to go back to jermaine's house and get first aid. nurse jermaine took care of me and gave me a lollypop. then we went back to the park took part in the swing olympics (who can swing the highest, of course i won), the yuanlong see saw challenge (nobody was fit enough to stay stable on one side of the see saw while yuanlong was on the other side. he use hand the whole see saw can shake already!) and chippy the hamster challlenge which without doubt, jermaine had conquered. after that, they sent me to the bus stop as i need to get home by 2130.

stress

i do not know. seriously. i think that this year is more hectic than the preceding one. i mean i had been busy for all the time last year but i felt it was unproductive effort. however, for the past month i've done almost all of my homework in time. well, some assignments, like for history and a SINGLE workdsheet in maths, i have not passsed up. and yes, i've done atrociously for all my class tests. but i feel like i'm at least achieving something. yes, just a feeling. french is a different story of course. still, i have a long way to go. i must study vigorously day and night. nah, not night. i'll save night time for much needed rest. i am trying to keep a uniform sleeping habit by lying down at 2o3o and waking up at o7oo. unbelievable huh. but it works. somehow i am more active at lesson. well, despite the fact that zhenying is sitting beside me. i mean who can sleep when you're sitting beside a person like zhenying. on the contrary, one would probably get hyperactive just by sitting with her. anyways, sleeping and waking at a fixed time should curb my insomnia. no i do not think i'm suffering from it. just that i hate waking up tired and still sleepy. it makes life less humorous. some thing like this blog. yes maybe i should type something hilarious next time.

death

death. the point where our abrupt life ends. our clouded life. too fast for us to analyze our needs and wants. too brusk to achieve all our goals. too quick to be able to stop and say hello. too scant to be able to stop and say goodbye. too agile to say i love you. too sudden to say i am sorry. death is the limit. where everything stops. done bun can't be undone. what is not done can't be done. no more caresses from mom. no more rides with dad. no more hugs from little jenny. no more stories from grandpa. no more cookies from aunt betty. no more chats with rochelle. no more kisses from sam. no more bitter medicine. no more muscle cramps. no more bills. no more debts. no more sweat. no more. no more. no more. imprisoned inside an ornamented coffin. burried under the earth. where we can never see the light. where darkness lingers forever. compliments carved on a tombstone that soon everyone will forget.

death. the new begining. the fresh start. the adventure to the other world. where no living human has ever been. where all animosity and adversity are diminshed. where gold is like any ordinary stone. where paradize is just around the corner. the sweet air. the birds. the butterflies. the tranquality. the eternity. how long is the journey, no one knows. but we will get there. everyone will.

death. those who refuse to believe is sent to the opposite world. of destruction. uncurable diseases. unquenchable fire. crawling bugs. rivers of blood. gnashing of teeth. torns, spikes, blades. a bottomless pit. an eternal suffering.

death. a hunter. a collector. a new path. the narrow or wide gate. which one? which one? which one? you should have made you decision long ago. hurry hurry hurry. is it too late?

death.